YMCA
It’s fun to stay at the… Y-M-C-A!
Today, I had the best possible experience for a pudgy, gadget-loving geek. I learned how to use gadgets to lose weight! The only catch is that you have to use weight lifting and cardio machines to make the gadgets work.
First: the cardio gadget. An LCD television features a full cable channel lineup, though the unit requires the use of headphones in order to begin operating any feature. Also, the manufacturer positioned a CD player just below the television so as to allow for variety. What is the price for using all these gadgets? Merely running in place on a standard lifecycle… that act alone affords you the opportunity to fiddle with and enjoy these gadgets.
Second: the Intranet arobics demon! What better excuse to have the fitness equivalent of Hal 9000? Yes, the evil master computer tracks your movement from weight machine to weight machine. You enter your ID into a touchscreen pad next to each machine, and suddenly you are greeted with your performance stats and a list of the proper setting for your seat pad, chest pad, and other adjustible points. After you have complied with the machine’s orders, your properly configured weight machine barks at you (or, rather, beeps at you in old school compu-jibberish) every time your lifting is too quick or too slow, and every time your range of motion exceeds pre-programmed limits. Every unfinished rep, every lowered resistance, every additional set is tracked in the individual machine and fed into the local intranet. As you complete a machine, the touchscreen orders you to progress to the next weight machine. When you arrive and punch in your ID, you are told exactly where you are in your workout regimen. You are a cog in the evil workout machine!
Third: the Borg. A kiosk rests in the center of the cardio equipment. You are to report to the kiosk. The kiosk willl judge you. The kiosk displays detailed reports on the total amount of weight lifted, on individual exercises that proved problematic, and on calories burned. The kiosk will tell you of your progress and beckon you to return. The kiosk is to be obeyed at all times.
Exercise is simply a necessary price to pay in order to interact with such state-of-the-art gadgets. All this gadgetry has worn me out… I need some unhealthy food immediately!