The Hollando Diet

Fun Little Toy.

This week’s New Yorker has a cartoon on p. 78 that shows two cavemen squatting on a cave floor, one speaking to the other. The caption: “Something’s just not right — our air is clean, our water is pure, we all get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organic and free-range, and yet nobody lives past thirty.”

Words of encouragement for followers of the famed Hollando Diet? Or for its transgressors?

It’s been a while, so I should check in myself. Not really much happening, except that I’ve been converging on Holland from the other direction; if his jog goes off as planned we’ll likely meet at 165 later in the week.

In fact, the two of us have a common tailor, who we originally met while passing through Hong Kong on a trip back in college. Luckily for me, he doesn’t visit Boston until a few weeks after Texas, giving me a little more time to get myself in shape. It’s a legitimate concern; the last time I had things remeasured was on my last pass through Hong Kong in July of 2004, just a few weeks before this whole Hollando Diet scheme got started. As a result, I have a pair of tuxedo pants that, despite being accurately tailored, never actually fit properly since I never got around to having them brought in.

Unluckily for me, my appointment is the day after our Yale reunion. Which will not be an event conducive to proper diet and exercise.

Despite indulgences at the not-so-local Indian food buffet, my waistline finally contracts. I may break through the 165 barrier tomorrow morning after my jog. Currently the scale teases me with taunting false reads of 165… only to jump upward to 166 lbs. This evening I ran what may have been four miles… on top of this mornings 2.5 mile jog. I usually lose two or three pounds after a night’s sleep and morning workout, so this could be a good sign.

In less than eight hours, I arise for 1.25 mile jog, a workout at the YMCA, and 1.25 mile return jog. That workout could trigger a drop. Now if I can stick to what Faith has suggested for breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner, then I may be able to flirt with the upper 150s by the end of the week. Stay tuned…

I’ve hit a low of 167 pounds, but the new low is at best tentative. The slightest error in either breakfast or dinner ruins my momentum. Yogurt is my ally as I fight my white whale of a belly.

Why do I consider time pressure to exist? On May 19, my tailor’s traveling representative visits Dallas. He will take my measurements. Then my tailor will begin to create custom suits from scratch. Whatever my weight is on May 19 will govern much about my future wardrobe.

Today is May 7 and the deadline is May 19, so I have 12 days to reach my target weight of 150 lbs. I currently weight 167 lbs. So I would have to lose between one and two pounds per day to achieve success. Not even my metabolism can accomplish that feat. Yet if I reach a low of 155 lbs., then that could be the “heavy” end of my wardrobe, allowing for fluctuation between 150 lbs. and 155 lbs. That revised target requires me to lose 11 pounds in 11 days. That goal seems impossible, too, but it’s something for which to strive.

The danger is that I’ve noticed my weight oddly spike upward today. I only can hope a vigorous regime can produce the results I need. YMCA and jogging in the morning, stairs at night, and yogurt for breakfast and dinner… that path leads the way to weight loss.

Yes, I am really this crazy. I know no other way. This weight must go. My patience wears too thin (at least something does), and a crash diet will propel me through the last hurdles. I hope to reach 162 lbs. by Friday…