The Hollando Diet

Fun Little Toy.

This week’s New Yorker has a cartoon on p. 78 that shows two cavemen squatting on a cave floor, one speaking to the other. The caption: “Something’s just not right — our air is clean, our water is pure, we all get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organic and free-range, and yet nobody lives past thirty.”

Words of encouragement for followers of the famed Hollando Diet? Or for its transgressors?

It’s been a while, so I should check in myself. Not really much happening, except that I’ve been converging on Holland from the other direction; if his jog goes off as planned we’ll likely meet at 165 later in the week.

In fact, the two of us have a common tailor, who we originally met while passing through Hong Kong on a trip back in college. Luckily for me, he doesn’t visit Boston until a few weeks after Texas, giving me a little more time to get myself in shape. It’s a legitimate concern; the last time I had things remeasured was on my last pass through Hong Kong in July of 2004, just a few weeks before this whole Hollando Diet scheme got started. As a result, I have a pair of tuxedo pants that, despite being accurately tailored, never actually fit properly since I never got around to having them brought in.

Unluckily for me, my appointment is the day after our Yale reunion. Which will not be an event conducive to proper diet and exercise.

Despite indulgences at the not-so-local Indian food buffet, my waistline finally contracts. I may break through the 165 barrier tomorrow morning after my jog. Currently the scale teases me with taunting false reads of 165… only to jump upward to 166 lbs. This evening I ran what may have been four miles… on top of this mornings 2.5 mile jog. I usually lose two or three pounds after a night’s sleep and morning workout, so this could be a good sign.

In less than eight hours, I arise for 1.25 mile jog, a workout at the YMCA, and 1.25 mile return jog. That workout could trigger a drop. Now if I can stick to what Faith has suggested for breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner, then I may be able to flirt with the upper 150s by the end of the week. Stay tuned…

I’ve hit a low of 167 pounds, but the new low is at best tentative. The slightest error in either breakfast or dinner ruins my momentum. Yogurt is my ally as I fight my white whale of a belly.

Why do I consider time pressure to exist? On May 19, my tailor’s traveling representative visits Dallas. He will take my measurements. Then my tailor will begin to create custom suits from scratch. Whatever my weight is on May 19 will govern much about my future wardrobe.

Today is May 7 and the deadline is May 19, so I have 12 days to reach my target weight of 150 lbs. I currently weight 167 lbs. So I would have to lose between one and two pounds per day to achieve success. Not even my metabolism can accomplish that feat. Yet if I reach a low of 155 lbs., then that could be the “heavy” end of my wardrobe, allowing for fluctuation between 150 lbs. and 155 lbs. That revised target requires me to lose 11 pounds in 11 days. That goal seems impossible, too, but it’s something for which to strive.

The danger is that I’ve noticed my weight oddly spike upward today. I only can hope a vigorous regime can produce the results I need. YMCA and jogging in the morning, stairs at night, and yogurt for breakfast and dinner… that path leads the way to weight loss.

Yes, I am really this crazy. I know no other way. This weight must go. My patience wears too thin (at least something does), and a crash diet will propel me through the last hurdles. I hope to reach 162 lbs. by Friday…

Well, things have been exceeding quiet over here since Holland’s last post of 27 January. Whilst awaiting further cullinary reports (we hope) of Will’s relatively recent travels to New Zealand, and Holland’s firsthand accounts of exercise by jogging up and down 33 flights of stairs, we bring you this humorous aside:

I had dinner in New York last week with my friends Dan, Isabelle, and James. Walking back around midnight along Columbus Ave., we passed a restaurant named “Empire Szechuan Kyoto.” The ensuing conversation went roughly as follows:

David: Now there’s an odd name. Talk about pan-Asian cuisine.
James: Don’t you mean wok-Asian? I mean, after all, pans aren’t really used…
Isabelle: [groans]
David: Wokka wokka wokka!
James: I’m sorry.
Isabelle: Well, it doesn’t matter, seeing as they all cook the same things anyway.
Dan: I guess it lends a whole new meaning to the term “wok the dog.”

Office collegues remain shocked and awed by my mysterious post-bathroom weight gain. Hence, we have decided to engage in a two-fold experiment.

Part I: Purchase an analog scale. Carefully control all possible variables. Weigh before and after trips to the restroom (the kind of trips that involve a newspaper.) Compare results. Disprove the presence of the mysterious phenomenon, or confirm the mystery and promote unsubstantiated odd theories to explain the inexplicable.

Part II: Begin a “juice fast” using quirky, obscure, non-FDA-approved, so-called “health” products purchased at a major grocery store. The juice fast supposedly results in massive weight loss. Throughout the weight loss process, confirm this strange phenomenon. Determine if a point of inflection exists, i.e. restroom trips involving mass loss below a threshold level will involve the mysterious weight gain while restroom trips involving mass loss above the threshold amount will result in actual weight loss. Large volume weight loss, which is likely to occur during the juice fast, will provide ample opportunity to determine the threshold point. AMPLE opportunity…

In an amazing turn of events, I was able to eat a cheeseburger and cheese fries for lunch… and still lose four pounds! How can it be? The answer may be what I’ve been having (and when) for both breakfast and dinner: low-carb, low-cal yogurt! 90 calories and 5 grams of carbs mean I can have two containers before I go to work and two more containers when I get home. This technique works, especially when combined with yoga and jogging (with the occassional YMCA workout thrown in for good measure.)
Behold the results:
www.hollando.com/diet

Living in or visiting New York City involves a great deal of walking. Walking involves burning calories. Burning calories can lead to weight loss… if more calories are burnt than consumed. Enter the Snapple.

As I recovered from illness at the start of January, I quickly regained my appetite. Mexican food caused a spike in my weight after reaching a low of 172 lbs. Gradually I recovered, only to jump upward again to a plateau of 174 lbs. New York City traveling involved much walking, but a Popcorn Party certainly added a little burden back to my belly. Returning home, I indulged in a little cheese fry indiscretion… with a chile dog… and then a bowl of popcorn and cheese.

So naturally I blame Snapple. It has 25 grams of sugar. That all turns to fat. Curse you Snapple!

What a simple proposition: if you have a certain mass, and you lose some of that mass, then you should weigh less on a scale. Now I suppose complications may arise. Here’s my mystery: I weigh, I then use the restroom in a manner that requires sitting, and then I return to the scale… and I weigh one pound more than I did just a few minutes ago! Thoughts? I can assure the gentle reader that the apparent mass loss involved is quite substantial.