I’ve joined a rather fancy gym in so-called “uptown” Dallas. When I drive to work each morning, I turn onto Pearl Street, the final road leading to my office. Now I simply make a detour, turn over to the Crescent, let the complimentary valet park the car while I run downstairs, throw on complimentary gym clothes and work out on one of the elliptical machines. (Yes, the valet service is part of the gym membership.) The great thing about this gym is that they remove every objection I had about working out in the mornings. No time? They’re very close to work, and you beat morning traffic. Gym clothes a hassle? The gym provides their own. Going back home a pain? The gym eliminates the need to return home; dump their clothes in their laundry hamper, take their robe and slippers, shower in their private stalls with their items (body gel, shampoo, conditioner), dry off with their towels, freshen up with your toiletries or with their complete toiletry set (remarkably effective hairspray and literally everything you could need), drop off your robe and whatnot in their laundry hamper, dress into your suit and tie, and before leaving… why not have a complimentary fruit bowl? EVERY DAY!!!

I pay as much for parking as I do for that gym membership. The car isn’t worth more than I am. That gym is the best incentive I have to work out regularly. I can always fit in at least thirty minutes of morning cardio. Then the occasional trip to my el-cheapo YMCA offers use of better weight machines. I need to hit the Y about three times a week, but once on Saturday and once on a different day ought to be enough for me.

So, anyway, the gut creeps back. I’m hovering at 155 lbs. despite having weighed 150 at Matt’s wedding (who would have thought I would be typing that when this blog started?! The weight OR the wedding!) I need to target 145 lbs. In the meantime… abs. Links to good abs workouts are appreciated. Here’s one I found.

The great gut of doom returns. Currently, the first wall of defense is notch #2 in my short belt. When there’s more Hollando than that notch can contain… well, then there needs to be less Hollando. Right now, notch #2 holds out despite The Bulge’s attempts to break past the defenses.

Situps, jogging, and even newly-established, semi-regular gym trips are of little use in taming this beast. Fueled by two weeks of excessive and unhealthy fast food consumption, The Bulge is back! A weekend of vacationing in Naples with Dad hardly helped matters… I confess that I consumed two full dinners at a Saturday evening Banquet… after inhaling far more than I should have at an all-you-can-eat seafood & steak buffet on Friday evening. So, discipline must have gone on vacation as well.

Yet I may have a new ally. Sugarless Red Bull has succeeded in killing my appetite, fueling some exercise trips, and keeping me awake longer than usual while jump-starting my metabolism. I’m not sure that this nifty new addiction is quite the panacea it promises to be.

Perhaps I shall follow Stella’s advice and hire a personal trainer. I think I have one in mind. The CMT channel (Country Music Television?) features a program about Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders who work out with a “Boot Camp” guy in Dallas. Well, a coworker brought this program to my attention, and I noticed this Boot Camp guy offers regular people the same crazy military-style workout regime. So I just may pay to join his class this summer. He meets at 5am in the American Airlines stadium near downtown, so perhaps this will get me “on track” for an early start each day?

The Bulge has two new enemies. Progress report to follow…

More important to me, how may I succeed in reshaping that beer belly? That seems less a question of weight loss and more of exercise. Dieting, stripping off excess fat, and staying thin are necessary precursors to a successful attempt at body-reshaping. Yet no progress comes without regular workouts.

Now I suppose I should consider working out at the YMCA… for the first time in months. Magazines from Men’s Health to Men’s Fitness advocate various workout regimens. Do my friends have tips for me? How best may I tone what mass remains after all this dieting? Do I attempt to gain mass via workouts and powdery protein drinks from GNC?

I still think the goal of 145 lbs. is useful, but in the near term, my focus must be on exercise. Suggestions are welcome.

My theory as to why I allowed for so many lost days and lost opportunities… the M&Ms, Snickers, and Three Muskateers at the Rough Creek Lodge did not help my cause, nor did the Lodge’s multi-course dinner, the sinfully good breakfast buffet, or the take-home lunch we received upon check-out. The Rough Creek Lodge is simply too good at what it does. With all that delicious food available, who can resist? So I blame the fiber.

What fiber do I blame? Well, I bought a high-fiber cereal on the advice of my weight-lifting buddy. Chris, a remarkably effective body builder, swears by this snack. He is convinced that it “cleans out” your body and staves off hunger pains, but I think all it does is fill you up and stay with you. Rather than blame Rough Creek’s delicious cuisine, I blame the fiber. After all, my upward weight slide began before getting away to that retreat. The fiber did it to me. Accursed fiber! I denounce you! I renounce you! I pull out your cereal box and trounce you!

I should set a new goal. Weight loss will prove impossible when I travel next weekend, especially with so much good cooking promised by my hostess. I should at least reach the point at which I last posted a blog. Thus I only have until Friday morning to be at least back to 153 lbs. Then I fly to New Haven. Since 145 lbs. is just too difficult to reach by Friday, I’ll have to save that target for when I return. I’ll have from April 9th until April 19th to lose that weight. Ridiculous? No… just a challenge I’ll have to accept. I must complete Phase I! How else can I hope to begin Phase II?

At least my lunchtime indulgences were soup and fish. I’ve done worse, as any waiter at Mory’s would know. Now this day’s only remaining challenge is to exercise after volunteering as a cook at the St. Michael’s Lenten Dinner. Hopefully I can hit the YMCA before it closes. Something must be done to counteract my recently revived German beer belly!

In December of 2005, I weighed about 185 pounds. By January, I had dropped ten pounds due to illness. By May, I had dropped ten more pounds due to something approximating discipline. For the better part of a year, I hovered at 165 pounds. Then another great winter drop left me at about 157 lbs. by February at Banquet.

I am visiting a wonderful young lady in New Haven this Easter. The goal in the next ten days… to drop twelve pounds to 145 lbs. Yes, this goal is ridiculous. But then again I need something toward which to work. Then, after a weekend of fun, the real journey begins.

Phase One was to complete my mass loss plan. Phase One will be complete when I reach 145 lbs. Phase Two is toning. I need to suffer the sit ups, crunches, medicine ball work, and other exerises that ought turn my German beer belly into something better defined. Phase Three is mass addition. I’ll borrow my bodybuilding buddy’s strange powdery mix called “American Whey” to add muscle mass to the upper torso and arms. Phase Four is stabilization. I need to keep whatever I develop in decent shape.

I am curious (a) how long it will take to reach Phase Two, and (b) how it will take to complete Phase Two. I imagine I can drop the last ten to twelve pounds far more quickly than the casual observer would expect. The question is whether I can tone effectively before the end of the year, or ideally before the peak of summer. Does anyone have a bet to place? I solicit insights from friends. How long does it take to firm up a belly not accustomed to shape of any sort?

Let’s see what the scale says… [going to the scale] … 165 lbs.!  Nooooo!  A late dinner is sure to blame.  (Notice how I blame that dinner.  It just jumped in me.  I was helpless!)

Well, today we have sushi for lunch, and I’m thinking we’ll have an earlier dinner.

 This year I’m working on keeping a food journal.  So far, I’ve managed to lose four of the seven pounds I gained over the Christmas/New Year’s week.  Those pounds are the easy ones to lose.  Now for the hard-to-lose pounds.  I’m hovering at 163 lbs. as I return to the first day of work of the New Year.  (I’ve been in the office three of the last four days “off”, but the office was closed, and today is the first true work day.)

 Resolutions:

1. I will exercise at least once each day.
2. I will have no caffeine, no desserts, no fried foods, and no fast food.  (Yeah, right.)
3. I will control portions for meals.
4. I will try to have multivitamins each day.
5. I will have three square meals a day and two small (emphasize small) snacks.
6. I will force myself to observe regular sleep hours.

We’ll see how these resolutions hold up over the next… well, the next week.  We’ll take them one week at a time.

I hover at 166 lbs. as of this morning… jogging is long overdue.  My relapse into caffeine addiction led to a recent attempt to go “cold turkey” and quit caffeine consumption, at least in the form of coffee, tea, soda, etc.  That hasn’t helped me shed weight.

 Ugh.  Seven days ago I weighed 159 lbs.  As I age, I find extra pounds easier to add than to lose.

166 lbs.  The reading on the scale this morning hits me like a verdict more than a measurement.  Yes, I am guilty as charged.  Now for sentencing… I sentence myself to one year’s hard labor.  Jogging, exercise every other day, and… oh, what am I saying?  We know better, don’t we?  I’ll just have to take it one day at a time.

Cheerios, banana slices, and skim milk are for breakfast today, and I plan on only a turkey sandwich for dinner.  Lunch… well, whatever… portion control will be my only restraint.

For the year, I consider myself to have dropped from 185 lbs. in December of 2005 to 159 lbs. in December of 2006.  I stagger my measuring period due to the skewing effect of the holidays.  The goal for 2007 : I want to weigh 145 lbs. by May 1st of this year.  Then I want to weigh more as a result of developing muscle mass.

Does anyone wish to predict my chances of success?  I invite the requisite mockery, citation of previous lofty goals left unreached, etc.